the weary warrior.

nobody takes things for granted nowadays.

nobody takes any unnecessary chances too.

and i thank all my lucky stars i'm back here, alive and kicking, as a signal cadet preparing to go to stagmont tomorrow. i don't look forward to it, but neither am i dreading it. there's too much uncertainty ahead that i don't know what to think about it.

11 days in brunei had been more taxing than it should have been. it always sucks to spend the weekends tucked away in some camp doing stuff you know you don't really want to do.

so you can roughly figure out what's it like spending the weekends tucked away in some DESOLATE CORNER OF THE WORLD doing stuff you know you don't really want to do. "why am i here" is frequently asked and "i want to go home" is a common utterance. not to mention the ever-promising but never-fulfilling "when it's all over".

i tell you now, "when it's all over" doesn't exist.

the moment it exists means you're dead. i don't like the sound of that, or maybe there's no sound any longer. at the rate time passes i can say that life indeed is rather short - but the desire to make the most out of your experience and to enjoy it..

..sadly i find it very difficult. very very difficult.

upon reflection i could be a stick in the mud, or the situation is just messed up. i'd like to believe it's the latter, but there's always a nagging doubt saying that it's me. i worry about a million things every day, some of which unfounded but some still yet to be proven. it sucks to worry about a million things today, and then knowing you have two million things to worry about tomorrow.

if that did not sound totally logical, you can be ensured that it is because my mental faculties are cramped after 11 days of inaction. or at least, with little action. after a long confinement it always feels SHIOK to be typing on a keyboard.

and when you open your mail and see 15 x new mail unread (that's bloody few for 11 days compared to JC council life actually LOL), perhaps among them a few x (read: times) facebook requests - i don't know how you describe that feeling but wow you could really feel how time has stopped there for you and suddenly you're transported into the future BANG fast forward.

this fast forward is really a funny feeling to deal with.

anyway like i said bruneian (?) weekends FAR AWAY FROM HOME is übersuck. i really don't know what i would do if i were in infantry. 21 day JCC. i think i'd have to beat my mental self first. when i start up my angst machine its pretty hard to get it stopped.

funnily enough, i haven't swore in 2 days. the strongest thing i said was "shit". i don't know why i'm so obsessed with the no-vulgarities thing but in any case i figured that's the closest i could do in becoming a better person since i obviously cannot change my attitude overnight. self-evaluation is a long and painful process, i don't like.

anyway brunei is a very nice place to go for a vacation, or maybe to stay as a citizen. then again almost every country looks like that except singapore - because the grass is always greener on the other side. i don't think it's very true but hmm.

the brunei citizen's life is certainly very easy-going and protected, and they look like some über welfare state. i actually learnt quite a bit about the country and i'm impressed by some facts. though some other facts make me go like WTH LOL lucky singapore ftw.

another thing i am fairly certain of is that brunei buys skypaint. you know like, paint that goes up onto the sky. their sky looks like desktop wallpapers, only for them it's skypapers. it can range from tangy orange when you look out from one side to baby blue and navy blue just twirled and swirled into one on the other side.

i don't think that's humanly possible so they must have bought and spammed skypaint. the super annoying thing about army camps is that there are so many beautiful images to be captured (the scenery and the view, i mean) but NO CAMERA HANDPHONES ALLOWED.

you idiots who posted those silly videos.

okay this will come to no end. but at least i enjoyed my stay there.. or at the very very least the view lol. i always like going overseas no matter the country - so in the end i guess it's all right. most importantly i've completed 11 days of training, and no matter what i did IT IS ALL OVER.

that counts.

now i have to start preparing for the next 19 weeks of professional term. it's going to be long, tiring and impossible to complete - but maybe when december rolls around i'll be saying stupid things like "ah it wasn't as tough as i thought" and "time seriously flies" like most of the others will.

if i do really say that, don't believe me okay.

THE FUTURE LOOKS TOTALLY BLEAK NOW. and everything is easy on hindsight. sometimes i'll feel like i will cry on the commissioning parade, but oh well. better not to talk about things that are like, a million months away.

okay in fact, five. but that's beside the point.

i don't know how the title links up to the post because i had no idea what to put. now i think i see the link because i'm just weary, but ready to carry on. it's kind of an oxymoron but hey life is full of contradictions so you can deal with the confusion.

i'm going to think of what to do.

navy seals ftw!~