dreary.

week 22 was a very disappointing week, partly due to the fact that it kept raining on all the wrong days. if it rained on a correct day it rains at the wrong time. and the start of a new week (today) also sees the same phenomenon..

what the heck..

rainy days calls for two things - emo and sleep. i don't really like the former but you can't exactly sleep while you're outside waiting for the bus. after the 10km run (more like WALK), i intended to drop by my grandparents' place to get my watch but i ended up having lunch with them since they looked incredibly bored and it would be mean to just leave.

then i got to see for myself, not for the first time, how it sucks to be old. didn't help i visited my other grandmother last week. so being the analytical and cynical sort, i was starting to question the whole point in life.

i'm having trouble trying to find meaning in these two years. i don't understand how some can find it. i say they're delusional, but being disillusioned isn't exactly much better. never mind at least i've cleared 229 days.

then after NS i think i'd give myself a break. that would be similar to the post-As carefree days. looking for work is going to be gay. or should i say working is going to be gay. from the working encounters i've heard so far it seems like working is awfully boring.

so is it that there is nothing to look forward to, or is it just that i don't see it?!!!

lol angst angst. it's still bloody raining.

on a brighter note - i'm booking in soon to settle one of the most disagreeable things in army life. okay SHIT i just realised i can't say anything about it. either way this week is going to be tough. VERY TOUGH. i like staring death in the face and then coming out next weekend. the feeling is great.. right after its all over of course.

it's a very flawed way of thinking. delusional but necessary.

my thoughts right now mainly consist on how to survive the month. it's another flawed thinking thing. last month i'd be ranting about how long july was and it'd be great to move to august. now i'm thinking september and i'll be happy.

then september rolls around and i'll feel great for approximately three days before wondering why the #@!*^!#( isn't it october. and so on, until maybe december. that's the month where everything comes to fruition. where everything will find its own meaning. or at least that had better be the case.

ocs is seriously no joke. just the pro term + joint term alone is as good as whatever you experienced since you enlisted. that's a motherwhopping 5 plus months. not funny at all.

well today at ocs there were the joint term cadets. they looked like they were having much fun. or maybe i'm just jealous.

in any case it's always good to try to attain self-enrichment in these troubled times. recently i've picked up a habit of reading, something i would never have done in school. in fact thinking back i don't really know what i was doing in JC. dang.

completed three books over the past three weeks -

1. Welcome to Hell by Colin Martin
which is actually about life in the "bangkok hilton" but i think i can identify with him on certain points so reading it was interesting. when you read something you can identify with you get a feeling that at least you're not the only one feeling that way. i won't spell it out. plus "welcome to hell" sounds like what i've just been through. you think jails are bad? no..

2. Daywatch by Sergei Lukyanenko
when real-life non-fiction brings you down, fiction and the world of the imagination takes you back right up. i hope i'm an Other, seriously. then i can go join the Day Watch and screw some people primetime. or rather just make life better for myself.

3. Some German book I didn't finish
so i can't really say i've read three books. more like two and abit because it's very hard to read language books. or should i say - read a how-to-learn-a-language book. especially since its quite hard to practise it. my time is running short and i need to brush up FAST. don't like the feeling of stagnation but that's what i get all the time.

now i'm just waiting for the rain to stop so i can go get another wealth of knowledge to delve in during the woft sessions.

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and every sunday night as i rush back to camp, it always occurs to me that i've left out doing something important. it might be psychological, or otherwise. but either way, i still book in hurriedly - and whatever thing i've left unsolved, it can wait till next week. then i live with a heavy heart throughout the week.

sigh actually i live with a heavy heart all the time.

nothing is going the way i'd like it to be.

let's just say "ideal" never exists.

navy seals ftw!~