blowing hot and cold.

the weather nowadays is simply unbearable. in the day its scorching hot and the sunrays (not CO) bloody sear into my head and give me migraines. and in the night it's still crazily warm i find it tough to snuggle down to my bed and sleep. if i turn on my aircon i start sneezing.

conclusion: life sucks.

i just went a bit blog hopping because i've come to a stage where i CANNOT play computer games. nothing seems to interest me anymore, kinda like the state i was at while studying for A levels. it's as if my life has been sucked dry, and i'm feeling very, very weary.

i've just completed the slackest week in my time in ocs. speed through skill plz - and i think i found my calling at stagmont camp. it might be old and rundown but at least i have interest in what i'm studying. god please send me to signals i'd be upset with anything less. you can say i'm a slacker or whatever shit you want, but i will be proud to be a signaler.

siannn really MUST GET SIGNALS. armour would be the shit and combat engineers would be the pits. let's not talk about infantry okay.

anyway as i mentioned i was blog hopping and i read some stuff from los that mirrored exactly how i feel. dragging myself out of bed every morning, and putting myself to sleep every night with the scarce consolation that i am protected for a few meagre hours. even so there's always the fear of turnout.

and the temporary solace sought would be rudely interrupted with an arsehole shouting the time the next day and for the platoon to fall in. i really hate your guts, bastard. you're ugly and you're annoying. being ugly is not a crime but being ugly AND annoying certainly is. just don't fucking say a word, we don't want to hear you.

you learn to be cynical and you learn to be pessimistic. i think i'd be happy after i commission. right - and when would that be? fricking mid-december which at the moment is about as near as the saf from mas selamat. which reminds me HOW THE HELL is he still hiding out there. bloody weirdo.

anyway you get my point. every sunday afternoon i am so snappy and so moody that i feel very guilty towards my family every sunday night when i reflect on my bed. life sucks so bad i don't really know why i'm living.

i've finished the book on philosophy and it seems like we all have a purpose here. shit don't tell me my purpose is to be stuck in the organisation. i don't mind serving my country, but i'm pretty sure there are better ways.

today is day 115 since i've enlisted. it looks like a hell lot, but the statistic that is more compellingly disastrous is that i have 555 more days to go. bloody hell right. i might have a long break now (almost 2 full days woot), but before we know it poof. all gone.

there is impending doom ahead. next week is going to be very taxing, and what makes things worse is that field camp comes right after that. i've no goddamn idea how i'm going to handle it, or how it's going to pass me by - and even the thought that many ppl has gone through it doesn't help me a single bit.

i have newfound respect for anyone who has gone through NS. not just the officers, but everyone in general. how on earth did they survive for so long? i would think its more that they have no choice rather than they were pushing themselves to the limit.

talking with chew recently also helped a bit. we share similar outlooks to national service, and that its a sad day when we enter the service as friends, but as time passes by we notice the fundamental differences between ourselves, and invisible borders start to come up.

indeed, "its a sad day when friends stand divided."

of course the situation is not all tears and misery; and the fact is i'm probably not half as depressed as i describe it. but like the title suggests, it's not easy staying psycho-ed and staying neutral, with your feelings shut out to the world. you can't totally ignore what's happening around you, and you know your focus has to be maintained on the situation.

that's what really sucks. i used to think time used to pass anyway - whether we are going through shit or enjoying ourselves, but the time spent doing shit seems to be distorting itself more and more.

now that slack week is over, there's 8 more weeks to senior bar. that's no joke, and MAN when it's all over we can all heave a sigh of relief and prepare for another 21 weeks to come.

see what i mean about the light at the end of the tunnel?

after 115 days i'll admit i'm battered. at certain points i thought i was close to snapping and i hope that it won't happen in field camp. or at any time, for that matter. my mental faculties are still stuck firm in my beliefs but my mind is overladen with fatigue. rawr.

i figure i'm not making sense. again. despite all these little things that annoy me majorly, i am still thankful to sierra wing for having such a great timetable that allows for minimum confinement and maximum welfare. i can't imagine if i were in delta. . .

so i'll just leave it at that. thank you to all those who have been talking to me at least to show that i still exist in your life, because nothing much seems to exist in my life anymore. fucking angsty and emo, but that's the way it is.

ORD NOW!!

navy seals ftw!~