i've lost the plot.

i felt like throwing the bloody shampoo bottle away when i read that "formaldehyde" was one of the ingredients used to make that mix.

i failed chem again. and don't ask me why because i don't know how on earth i did that. i'm not going to make any excuses, because i really am running out of them. no wait. i can't even run out of them because i mug chem all day and i'm so unfit now that even 400m within a minute and a half might prove too difficult for me.

and all that just to gu zhu yi zhi (孤注一掷) on chemistry.

was it worth it? NO.

okay maybe i don't mug chem all day. but that's not the point. i'm trying to say that since a few weeks ago (perhaps around wednesday of sept hols) i've been working hard on my chem when i'm even mugging. i've forsaken econs, and frankly i should be shot for that because till today i haven't touched or even read my latest notes (for the first time no either because i sleep in econs lectures).

french was never really my priority, i've still got the "3rd lang" mentality. gotta start working hard because french is proving to be my best shot at a B. it's funny how i came into rj with maths the strongest subject, and then quickly changing to econs during the cts and now i think french is up.

and it's somehow VERY FUNNY that chem never becomes my best subject. i wonder why.

i did a bit of work on maths, but nothing really serious. everything my life was chem chem chem chem chem. i was basically putting all my chips on chem. now did that work? of course not. i'm getting angsty now because i've put ALL MY EFFORT (which even if it isn't a lot, the mugging drives me crazy sometimes) into the bloody subject, and the results i got today was the ultimate "fuck-you" gesture from the chem department.

you'd have to pardon the language, but that was seriously the message i got from starting at the big fat red U on the paper. there you go - another impressive U to add to my already-impressive list of Us for chem. yet again i cannot provide any answer for it.

tumnus said i would get A for chem and fail the rest of my subs when he saw me doing the über today. i'm afraid he's horribly mistaken. i'm afraid the picture i see for my promos is a rather sad and desolate one. i'm afraid i'm only going there to duck up.

and tumnus is quite the ultimate fagut. baskit keep suanning me wait till you don't get your 95th percentile for chinese we'll see who'd be laughing at the end of everything. my results might not be sterling, but screw off i'm not that useless. THERE IS STILL MATHS AND FRENCH. AND ECONS.

BRING IT ON TUMNUS.

i had little mood to listen to anything after test results. break was spent tidying up pw, and gp later was retarded because apparently the relief for uma didn't come as well and -.- we got a relief's relief to let us do essay. which annoyed me to no end because i just was feeling cranky. and we came in late she still wanted a timed essay.

i finished 2 full pages in 40 mins. i handed in a load of bull without regret.

civics was nothing, as always. i spent my time telling zy to hand in his gp essay and being a nuisance to him. although i think i was being an arsehole HE DESERVED IT. taking so long to do one essay tsk! and zy if you're reading this you suckkkk for wasting that one sms of mine =P until now i still don't know who you sent to but i figure if he/she is angry IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT. so there!

although i might not show it, deep down i'm bloody pissed at myself. you can't expect me to pull a long face the whole day, that's just not me. but when i get home i start thinking on why the shit did i fail chem and suddenly i'm like dang i should just give it up for now. change focus. stop the burnout.

and i think i will.

i finished über today, and that was one of the brighter bits of the day (actually probably the only bright spark). after all the über was sth i wanted to do all along, and yuklun who wanted to help me accomplish my dream (and his as well) made things smoother. so yup thanks man. he was there for the final stretch, making useless cock remarks while i drew out all the phenol structures and confirming the reactions. and he clarified all my doubts, the genius.

me: eh why does (sth) react with (another thing) to form ester?
yl: ya why ar.. *thinks for a while* aiya there must be a reason why we put it there in the first place. so never mind just copy it (to the paper).

so yup. with such firm assurance, i managed to complete the amazing piece of work today. i'm very pleased with myself, for that is something i wanted to do and finish long ago. even though my grades might not show the rewards of it, i don't care. it's done and that's all i care about. and that is probably the last thing i'm going to do for chem for a while. for as i told many people i'm only finishing über as it is an unfinished job.

talking with cz and blowing bubbles with yl (noob) and xj (pro) was quite all right. i hope i wasn't wasting time, and hope by now the whole aromatic reaction scheme is in my subconscious.

because i won't be looking back for a bit. i'm going to have to stop and smell the flowers before i get on with mugging again. i won't last till promos if i continue stressing myself at this rate.

wty did mention that he never did look down on any of us despite our results, and trust me i really appreciate him for that. it's not easy finding a teacher who believes in his student when he (meaning the student, or basically me for simplicity's sake) says "i'm gonna get top 20" and then fails every single test that he takes. it's just sad, but i'm very thankful to him for not laughing at me.

because many others do. and i'm guessing they've the right to.

i've lost the plot for chem.

but there's still hope for maths, econs and french.

maths, econs and french ftw!~